WTC : 009 – Relationships, End Them,  Save Them, and more.

In this episode of Wartime CEO Podcast, Chris Viera and Marvin Scholz from The Coffee Breakup Podcast joined the show to share their insights and advice on relationships and help single people or couples determine whether they want to be or to save a relationship. There are many meanings and misconceptions of dating and relationships in this age, and choices and statuses are always made.

Start of The Coffee Breakup

[02:03] Chris is a dear friend of mine and I have known him for some years. I was going through the rough patches in my last relationship when the breakup happened. And Chris was there for me; he gave his support and advice. He helped me through probably the roughest time in my life thus far. So, he helped me with that. That’s how my story began. Then I started writing a book. I published my first book and got over my broken heart. And when I published this book, I think that gave him the energy that he needed to help others as well, not just me.

[04:39] Imagine if I can create a podcast that I can help out more people like, anyone can tune in whenever they want for whatever situation. Everybody has some relationship issue, whether it’s intimate, platonic, professional, we all have any relationship issue.

The Coffee Breakup Podcast’ Purpose

[07:49] I told him, Listen, my degree is in criminal justice. But I did nothing with it. I work at a bank. It’s me dealing with people, me talking to people all the time, understanding or uncovering opportunities, whether it’s sales or opportunities for anything else at the bank because it’s facing the customer.  

[08:24] My role was typing up emails. But then, it also ties into when I speak. My biggest passion is learning and growing. So, I like to ask many questions. And the fact that I’m able to do that, with so many people, I learned their ways of talking, I learned their experiences, I then can use that to help other people. It’s like an ongoing journey of meeting new people talking to new people learning about new people. They create those experiences to kind of circle it back. There are things that you’ve gone through that maybe other people have.

[09:24] It all comes down to having a whole conversation and being able to relate to other people while being empathetic. You have to listen to what they’re saying and put yourself in their shoes. Because people like to be selfish, so instead of giving you advice, let me see why you think that way. Then that’s where you’re able to relate and uncover more. That’s pretty much the direction that we’ve been going through with that.

Importance of Communication

[10:40] I think communication is critical to all relationships. It’s one thing to hear this person and pay attention, and the other is comprehending where they’re coming from, and putting that into action, understanding it. Chris was adamant on peaceful communication where you come from a place of empathy. We, technically, often assess that person’s position and see how they feel. Do I like feeling this way, or what I feel this way? It all comes down to that understanding of where that person comes from.

[12:12] For me, setting aside your ego is hard. But it’s all about being compassionate. You’re in a relationship, and you’re there for a reason. Why would you want to be with someone you don’t want to work things out with or listen to? It takes two people to build together; you have to set your ego aside in a way that if I want this to work, I know that I’m not dating myself anymore, I’m getting. Hence, the person has their own opinions, own mindsets, backgrounds, and environmental influences.

Relationships During the Pandemic

[17:32] I think you should see it as being able to graduate in the relationship. If you start with either texting on a dating app or phone, then you want to go and say, “Okay, let’s do phone calls.” Start engaging differently. Let me hear your tone, let me hear your emotion, and then you graduate into facetiming. It starts with graduating slowly through the levels of communication.

 

Pros and Cons of Online Dating

[19:42] I think online apps are a great tool for some people who may not be able to meet people or people who are not as confident to walk up to somebody in a bar. Some people are not good at breaking the ice.

[20:11] Let’s say you find someone on Tinder that you may have never seen out. This could be the person you fall in love with, and you would have never found them in person if it weren’t for online dating apps. It’s that opportunity to be exposed to many different people from many different areas at many different ages with many different interests. And it’s all because of the dating app.

[21:57] That’s the beauty of creating a profile. But it’s also a double-edged sword. People can be prejudiced based on their posts or what you talk about without giving you the real opportunity. If I were to post something, people probably think I’m an asshole because my humor is dark. But if I do it in text, it’s different. So, it’s kind of like a double-edged sword when you create that profile.

Roles in Relationships

[27:16] I think both roles can coexist. I think it’s important that this person, who’s going to be your spouse or partner, can have certain attributes similar to being a great best friend.

[28:02] Chris always says you should build a friendship first before getting into anything more serious or getting into a romantic relationship, which I think is important.

[28:56] There are different levels of relationship, responsibilities, and roles that I’ll attribute to that person. It’s important to build the foundation with your partner. Many people would go straight into intimacy, and when asked why they are with that person, people are struggling with their answers. You want to talk with your partner when you’re down, someone you back upon when you want to have a good time. Consider choosing your partner with whom you want to spend your time. That makes a relationship stronger over time when you have that level of friendship.

Being Ready to Commit

[32:54] Simply based on the fact that I am not where I want to be in life. To make that decision. Now, you can say you can get married and still work towards that goal. Yes, you can. But I don’t think I’m in that position yet. I have to achieve and get to a certain place within my life. Often, it’s tied to finances like in my career or right where I want to be.

[34:03] Am I ever going to be ready, or am I just pushing it off? It’s something that is internally trying to compensate. I think you have to be careful. I think you want to be married if you’re in a good position but analyze if you will ever be in that perfect position.

[37:17] We’re not in times where people can be having a selfish way of thinking. You have not to have empathy towards her and what she wants to do. That’s where you have to find that balance and have the communication and have that comprehension with it.

Advice for Couples

[39:10] I think a big part of relationships can be vulnerable. A man doesn’t always have to be masculine. Men can be in touch with their feminine side women don’t always have to be feminine. She could be in touch with the masculine side.

[40:17] I think picking the right person means I can be vulnerable with this person. If she embraces me on my good days and bad days, regardless what’s going on, I feel like that’s where you have to be selective on whom you date.

[41:13] I realized I could be vulnerable with this person, I could be honest, and when I have a rough day, I could cry to her. We can coexist.

Key Quotes:

[03:12 – 03:17]

“We’re all humans and will go through harm, disappointment and rejection.”

[13:37 – 13:47] 

“Let me put my pride aside and listen to this person, maybe talk about the delivery or understanding where this person is coming from and present this matter in a different aspect.”

[15:00 – 15:06]

“When you’re in a relationship, it’s not the problem against you and your partner. It’s you and your partner against the problem.”

Connect with Chris & Marvin:

• The Coffee Breakup Podcast
• Chris Viera Instagram
• Marvin Scholz Instagram

Books Referenced:

•  Learning How to Heal a Broken Heart: Transforming Breakdowns into Breakthroughs 

• Happy Now: Happiness is Not a Future Event Found Circled on a Calendar

• Broken, But Alive